The SubGenius Brag Generator

This one'll come in handy:

I have my *own* personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any GOD DAMN *Slack* after death! I take drugs! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I am *armed* and *loaded*! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled bodiless fiends! I'm a human being of the *first* god damn water, who'll try to blow me down? I am a *Moray Eel*, I am a *Komodo Dragon*, I am the *Killer Whale bereft of its pup*! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made *Mother Nature* wait up for me to bleed my pterodactyl! I'm *intense*, I'll live forever and remember it afterwards! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my guts before they're picked off the *tree*! They'll *never* clean *my* cage! Pardon my language. I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a *profit*! Come *on* and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my *bread* with the juice!